WASHINGTON, DC— Barack Hussein Obama, Marvel Comics’ latest pulp-comic superhero, was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States at noon Eastern Time today. And he means business. The spindly-legged hero is known for his ability to leap marble steps two at a time, and to climb political ranks with a spider-like facility. He’s expected to accomplish a host of superhero feats in the coming weeks. The Dow-Jones will hit 10,000 again, American troops will leave Iraq with valuable parting gifts, Israelis and Arabs will kiss and make up (and get together for a luau-style pig roast), and Oprah Winfrey will lose close to 60 pounds. Some may be skeptical, but two heroic accomplishments are already in the books: Obama has inspired thousands by becoming the nation’s first Hawaiian-born President, and he has single-handedly cleared the U.S. capitol of an unruly band of fascists, incompetents, and criminals (many of whom have returned to ranches in Western states to write their memoirs).