Joe Gaspard's "Biog" Story
(From The Center Star, Issue 7 Vol 2, February 2006)
It was a dark and stormy night. I entered my logon, updated my blog, and emailed my homegirl, adding a little smiley. She looked great on the webcam (the antiacne cream worked!), sort of goth and is in prelaw. She's a mentee to a lawyer and is working as a copygirl, but will be promoted to adwoman soon. I asked her if she wanted to get some alfredo and chianti and see some standups at this little spot owned by a couple of wiseguys. They're a couple of humpers, real oxlike dudes, two of the buffest dufeses you'll ever see, batterers from way back. They were hitmen but the antigang force got on them after their last carjacking. But my homegirl said she had to babysit (she runs a daycare too!). I went over there to surprise her, and she's there with some yutz, a real neatnik in a stetson. Dammit! I think about loiding the door and giving that perv a whupping, but he's sort of a goliath so I head to a kegger I heard about, after gassing up with some biofuel. I felt dweeby for wimping out like that. Folks there are moshing, waterskiing around the canoers, playing frisbee, and shoving za in their pieholes. It was zooier than most keggers, and I grabbed a longneck out of a cooler. This real kewpie came up to me and asked for a drag off my cig. She really bogarted it. She was the phattest hottie there, eminently pokable, if you know what I mean. She's wearing a dacron burqa and says she just came off the jetway and has a real case of jetlag. She's into kabalism bigtime, is a crafter of haikus, and is a doula to boot. I'm 'ahing' at the appropriate times, showing my cred and trying not to seem like a feeb. Her homies come over, a couple of actorly guys, really yuppified. My gaydar goes up; one them is definitely preop. The other one is sporting some numchucks. The next thing you know, I'm an abductee. My sucky night ended with my being an admittee at the local E.R. The nurse said, "You're lucky there were airbags, gomer." She discharged me with a bag of meds. She said, "You know, you have a pretty big copay?" Duh.