King Henry IX - The War of the Noses
ACT 1, SCENE 5
Outside the King’s chamber door, HUCKLEBERRY and Princess YORK discuss the King’s problems. The MERCHANT loiters and Prince JERSEY whines.
YORK
Father seems well. Is he not?
HUCKLEBERRY
He sleeps but fitfully. Oft he sits up nights and avoids the Queen.
YORK
Is he distract by the Miller’s probing?
HUCKLEBERRY
He swears not. “Fake! Nought but hag-hunting,” he cries.
JERSEY
O pother the old man! He uses me cruelly. Yokes me with this wild, cat-scratchéd dog!
YORK
Man up, squeamy brother! Grow stones.
JERSEY
Mark not how this dripping knave waggled his sword lewdly at you, mine sister, as he passed not an hour ’fore? God’s pinkie!
YORK
Hold yourself, bawling brother! I have suffered affronts less seemly from men more foul.
The MERCHANT nods vigorously.
JERSEY
I shalt see our Mother Queen on this slight!
Exit JERSEY at a trot, pursued by stares.
HUCKLEBERRY
Alas, your knock-knees brother.
YORK
The rough axe-man may masculate him yet. But Huckster, what of the silent and secret-keeping Queen Melancholia?
HUCKLEBERRY
Ever more strange, I fear. Of late she wears a cloak, rough letteréd with this strange message: “What, me worry?”
YORK
Mad! She’s MAD!
HUCKLEBERRY
Very like.
YORK
Read thou this day’s proclamation, good Huckleberry. The Queen I’ll seek to understand.
YORK and the MERCHANT exit. HUCKLEBERRY turns to address the audience.
HUCKLEBERRY
Good subjects in plush seats, a pearl dropped in the night by our good King.
She reads.
Many art saying my reign is the most PROSPEROUS, the most BELOVED, and the most HUMORFUL in merry England’s history! Some grinders at maths tally it the longest reign ever joyfully enduréd by our adorating subjects! Me a greater Alfred! All accomplisht in but our first year of kingship! Many do offer congratulations and rich tributes hence!
She looks up.
Long live the King!
Exeunt.
